So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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