I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i came on her dog
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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