I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
