your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
