Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
