I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
