I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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