Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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