just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
