How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
