It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize