you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
