im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
