I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize