even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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