I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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