I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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