Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
