My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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