Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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