I am spending my child support on dildos
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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