She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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