1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
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