sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
