Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
