i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I pour the whiskey from now on
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
