My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
