You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
