You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Someone shit on the floor
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
