Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
