Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
