I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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