my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
