I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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