I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
