just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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