Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
