he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
