Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My apartment stinks of burning failure
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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