If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
