God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
