its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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