I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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