I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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