Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
