tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
