Fine. I'll sleep in my office
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
