alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
