turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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