Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
