There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
