Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
