So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
