my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
