Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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