My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
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