i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize