his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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