if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
