I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize