I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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