He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
