He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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