Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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