the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
